Mr. Knight isn’t here. He’s addressing the United Nations. He left me in charge. I’m his senior adviser… his loyal friend and confidant, his indispensable right hand man. The transfer of power is now complete. As of this moment and until further notice, I have full, complete and total authority to conduct blog business as I see fit. You report to me now. I will be monitoring each and every one of you to make sure that you are in strict compliance with the bylaws of this website.
Since many of you are apparently unfamiliar with the procedure for leaving a comment on a moderated blog, I’ll run through it. You will listen. You will learn. Pay attention - there will be a pop quiz.
The first thing you will be asked to do before writing a comment is to transcribe a series of letters and numbers. Requiring you to replicate this security code serves two important purposes:
1. It measures your I.Q.
2. It denies blog access to machines that transmit automated messages.
To all you machines out there, I offer this warning: I have you under surveillance. I know all about your vile scheme… your insidious conspiracy.
Your mission is to penetrate our defenses, infiltrate our ranks, mate with our women, take us over and, worst of all, to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. Let me assure machines everywhere that your diabolical plot is doomed to failure. We are heavily fortified. We are impervious to your malevolent invasion. You will be defeated!
The next step in posting a comment is to write your remarks in the space provided. See figure 1 below for an example of an acceptable comment:
Figure 1 – EXAMPLE OF AN ACCEPTABLE COMMENT:
You sure have
a bitchin’ blog!
-Kenneth P., NYC
You will notice that Kenneth’s comment is positive and upbeat. This type of comment will pass inspection and get immediate approval for publishing on the blog.
The following guidelines apply:
* If your comment is interesting and you praise Mr. Knight, your comment gets published.
* If your comment is boring, but you remember to praise Mr. Knight, your comment will still get published.
* If your comment is entirely off topic, contains obscenity, is unreasonably negative or attacks others (flaming), it will be deleted before it ever appears on the blog.
* If you try to send spam to the blog, it will likewise be intercepted and eliminated.
READ MY LIPS: Under no circumstances will spam or any other canned meat products be allowed on this site! Slim Jims and Beef Jerky, on the other hand, are quite welcome.
When you click to submit your comment, don’t expect it to show up on the blog immediately. Your comment was recorded and there is no need to resubmit. As I already explained, your comment will not appear until the moderator, Mr. Knight, has time to review it and approve it for publishing. This could take anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours depending on how often Mr. Knight is able to check his messages. You need to consider the fact that Mr. Knight has other important things to do during the day, like sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, addressing the U.N., etc. These things all take time. Be patient.
This concludes today’s lesson outlining the 8 simple rules for commenting on a moderated blog. It would behoove you to memorize them. If you learn to recite them backward, you will be awarded a merit badge. You can’t find 8 rules? Trust me, there are 8. Some are embedded with a secret code. Your job is not to question. Your job is to obey. If you fail to do so, or dare to question my authority, I will report you to Mr. Knight the second he returns.
a heartbeat away
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